


In all this Vastness

by QueerCmdr (JaneGlen)



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Background Eiffel and Pryce, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, I might be late to the party but I brought FEELINGS (jazz hands), Isabel and Renee just want everyone to live and maybe not be completely fucked up, Jacobi doesn't grieve in a healthy way but what's new, Post-Canon, Reflections on Alana and Kepler, The return trip, Unreliable Narrator, lbr none of these kids are emotionally okay, more swearing than the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 07:44:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19662910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneGlen/pseuds/QueerCmdr
Summary: Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.-Carl Sagan





	In all this Vastness

“Mr. J-Jacobi?” Hera’s query pulls him out of his thoughts. They aren’t happy ones.

“Yes, Hera?”

“I thought...w-well. You should...know. The Colonel rerouted the power from the pulse beacon r-relay to my processor.”

Daniel doesn’t really get what she’s saying at first. Kepler is-

Kepler’s dead. Spaced. Him and that damned bottle of whiskey.

_And then there was one._

Three of them up here on this fucking mission and he was the only one left. Daniel had never honestly considered that Kepler _could_ die. The man was so _so_ hellishly stubborn-

“Mr. Jacobi?” Daniel starts, having slipped into his thoughts again.

“Yes, Hera?”

“I c-couldn’t record it, bec-cause of the overdrive. But I thought… I thought you might want to know that he… He siphoned enough power off of the pulse beacon relay that the signal to release the virus would never have reached earth. When Miss Young realized, he shot her. He… he said he was still a person. That he was with you and Commander Minkowski, even if you didn’t know. He had t-to be where he c-could do something.”

“He- that...that _fucking_ -” Daniel is good at compartmentalizing. But maybe he’s reached his limit. He swallows and it sticks in his throat. A lump he can’t hardly breathe around. He chokes out a thanks to Hera anyways and flees the corridors, hiding in his bunk for the next several hours.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

Minkowski’s still under, but her color is finally back. She should be waking up soon and then they can finally get the hell away from this goddamned star.

Daniel’s sick of it. He’s sick of space.

He just...wants to not be here.

...✶.✹.✶...

He wishes they’d never come.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

Minkowski wakes up and he plays up the rescue. Calls her sleeping beauty. Says _thought I’d have to set the route home myself_. Doesn’t say _please for the love of god get us back to earth._

She asks. Of course, she asks. And then her face goes all...not soft. Even at her most vulnerable. Her most scared. Minkowski’s never been _soft_. But her face does something that feels like a punch in the gut. It looks like what he feels.

She sets the route home.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

Daniel’s been...avoiding Eiffel since, well, _since_. He’d been making his way towards Pryce’s lab when Hera went down. He could hear the voices, barely, enough to know Minkowski was hurt, Lovelace was exhausted, and Eiffel... wasn’t Eiffel.

Lovelace and Minkowski were both passed out when he reached the door. Eiffel was strapped to a chair as was Pryce, though with restraints that she could’ve undone herself. Neither she nor Eiffel recognized him. Neither of them seemed to have any idea who the hell they were. The one fact they did seem to know was that they were in space on a ship that was… not secure.

Jacobi had done more with less.

He got Eiffel and Pryce out of their restraints, ordered Pryce to haul Lovelace, who, small mercies, had no serious visible injuries. He had Eiffel help him with Minkowski. Compressing a bullet wound on another person while moving them all in Zero G isn’t an easy task, but that’s what had to happen, so it did.

By the time they reached the Urania, it was all Daniel could do to transfer Hera and pray Lovelace and Minkowski had successfully patched up the engine.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

As the only functional person on the Urania for a full hour, Daniel had triaged, and to hell with anything else. Minkowski would die without blood and surgery. Lovelace needed an IV and rest. Hera needed to finish resetting.

Eiffel and Pryce needed to _sit quietly in a corner and not touch anything._

Daniel’s good at compartmentalizing.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

He’d jumped clear of the bomb, but his ears had rung for a while after. His back and his right arm had taken a lot of heat and he’d taken a beating. Not as much as Riemann _thought_ he’d given him; Daniel could take a hit and fake pain. But he had taken a lot of hits.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

He’d seen Kepler. Passed through the observation deck on his way to the lab.

Floating.

_Dead._

That goddamned bottle of whiskey just a few feet away.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

Eiffel had asked if he was okay. Eiffel had asked several times. Hell, _Pryce_ had asked.

“Excuse me, you’re bleeding. And your arm looks burnt. Do you need help to patch that up?”

Daniel didn’t feel anything.

....✷.✴.✶....

He didn’t feel anything.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

Everything was fine and Daniel had managed and now Minkowski was awake and they were on a sublight-arc back to earth and _Everything Was Fine_.

Also, Kepler had died because he was still a person and he had Daniel’s back to the end.

_I’ll always have your back._

God damn him.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

_God damn him._

..✴.✹.✶.✷...

_God_

.✷.

_damn_

.✴

_him._

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

 _Sacrificed all his memories to keep the knowledge Pryce wanted out of her hands._ Fucking Doug Eiffel and his goddamned good intentions. Now, Daniel kept running into this pure, slightly-confused, plain-English speaking guy who thought Daniel was a decent human being because he’d gotten them all off the Hephaestus.

_Let’s go be monsters._

Daniel isn’t a decent human being. He willingly admits it, given the opportunity. Hell, he’d strongly considered not fishing Eiffel and the rest of them out of space. He’d been willing to sacrifice Eiffel and Minkowski as a distraction so he and Lovelace could take the Sol back to earth. He’d only hauled them all off the Hephaestus because Minkowski was better at navigation and the rest weren’t an inconvenience since they were all right there.

That was it. Eiffel and Lovelace and Pryce weren’t an inconvenience.

Hera chimes out a notification about lunch. Or something.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

Minkowski finds him a week into their arc back to earth. He’s floating in the observation deck, staring out at the endless expanse and not seeing. “Mr. Jacobi.”

He grunts or twitches or something. Acknowledges that she’s there and speaking to him. “Thank you. For what you did. Getting us all of the Hephaestus. I know I said it before but...what you did was more than we could have asked for.”

Daniel shrugs. The movement drags his jumpsuit over his burns uncomfortably. He ignores it.

“And I also wanted to say I’m sorry. Again. That we-that you lost Kepler. I know it probably doesn’t sound sincere, from me. But the Colonel was one hell of a soldier, and he mattered to you. So I am. Sorry.”

“He didn’t…” Daniel doesn’t even realize he’s speaking until all the words are tumbling out, “He didn’t serve Cutter. At the end. When he walked out of the Sol. He was- He cut the power to the pulse beacon relay. He gave it to Hera. The signal wouldn’t have reached earth. Because he had my back. He was still a… a _person_.”

His voice cracks at the end. Hard and broken, and the lump in his throat is back and there’s a hand on his arm- Minkowski’s rested her hand just above his elbow.

“Jacobi, I-” But she doesn’t have the words, so she just grips his arm instead, firmer, now that he’s not jerked away.

Daniel’s struggling to breathe again and he thinks maybe he’s crying. He turns in towards Minkowski and crumples, as much as one can in space. He buries his face in her neck and gives up.

He hasn’t hugged anyone since… since Alana (one of her breakthroughs and her infectious, joyous triumph). He hasn’t touched anyone in a way that isn’t...violent, (that fight with Riemann, a gun in his back and a hand heavy on his shoulder) or...utilitarian ( _hand over that wrench_ , fix the gaping, messy bullet wound in Minkowski’s stomach)… since Alana, either.

Minkowski’s surprised and uncertain, but she wraps her arms around him anyways. Gentle in a way that isn’t like the commander he’s ever seen. She holds him like that for hours maybe. Or minutes. He doesn’t know.

.✶.

He doesn’t know.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

He’d always liked Lovelace. She was bold and vicious and focused in a way that would have made her a good SI-5 agent. In another life, she would have fit in their little cadre. Bold and confident enough to go toe-to-toe with Kepler, funny and just crazy enough to kick it with him and Alana.

But in this life, she’s a space captain (who’s really an immortal alien duplicate) with a dead crew and a chip on her shoulder the size of a small mountain.

_“There were letters. I promised my crew to take them back with me and I...didn’t. I want to know if they made it.”_  
_…_  
_“Come on Captain, we try not to be total monsters...when we can help it.”_

He thinks Alana would have delivered the letters.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

The thing about Space is there’s just. So Much. You look out an observation window and it’s just _infinite_. On the Sol they wouldn’t have been back to earth yet, but they’d be pretty close. On the Urania, it’ll be another couple of weeks.

It’s a long time, and Daniel spends most of it quietly. Alone.

But the Urania isn’t that big, and even when the crew isn’t super casually and _definitely not intentionally_ bumping into him, Hera is everywhere.

So Daniel doesn’t actually spend the entire arc back to earth floating listlessly, unnoticed and ignored. He’d rather they just let him be.

He’d rather just suffer and...and _mourn in fucking peace, goddamnit_.

Just leave him alone.

✹.

Just leave him.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

Sometimes he goes to Pryce’s room and ~~hides~~ camps out. She doesn’t remember anything and, though Hera’s told her the bare bones, she doesn’t try to put together all the puzzle pieces like Eiffel wants to.

Daniel thinks it’s odd, that Pryce’s drive to unearth the secrets of the universe and push the limits of technology and be a fucking puppetmaster over the entire human race...isn’t innate.

But it means that when he lets himself into the quarters they’ve stashed her in, she just looks up from the tablet where she’s relearning code or something, because there’s nothing else for her to do up here, and says, “Mr. Jacobi, did you need something?”

And all he has to say is “No, I just. Do you mind if I sit in here, for a while?”

If she thinks it’s odd, or wonders if they had some past relationship that would bring him to her, she doesn’t bring it up. Instead, she gestures to the empty space, “Certainly, make yourself comfortable.” And that’s that.

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

Hera doesn’t ask him about it, but Daniel assumes that she’s reported his time with Pryce to Minkowski and Lovelace. The three of them and their goddamned… _good intentions._

Or whatever the fuck it is that makes them treat him like a member of their crew and not someone who would kill them unflinchingly if it would make his life easier.

He’d kill them.

✴

He’d…

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

He listens to Alana. Her logs. Most of what she says goes right over her head, but her voice and her little, audible quirks make it feel so real.

He lets the logs lull him to sleep sometimes, but he just ends up waking in a cold sweat, reaching out for her when she’s not there. She’s not here. Not for a while.

Hera doesn't say anything whenever he asks her to play one of the logs, but there’s a tone in her voice that says, quite clearly, _this isn’t good for you_.

 _Well, bully for you, Hera. Everyone_ you _care about survived, more or less._

✴.✶..

 _She was...She really was something s-special, wasn’t she?_

_Alana? Yeah. She was the best._

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

He eats in the mess, but he usually does it when no one else is there. Today, he’s out of luck. Lovelace comes in when he’s just settling in. He tries to leave, but she pins him with a look. “Stay, Jacobi.”

He stays.

“Listen,” Lovelace wants to talk. Great. “We’re all dealing with a lot of shit and we’re doing it our own ways. You’ve got a right to that as much as any of us.”

Daniel wonders if Lovelace and Minkowski played Rock, Paper, Scissors over who had to bite the bullet and have this conversation with him. He knows where it’s going. She’s all “you can take as long as you like” and “everyone grieves at their own pace” but she’s coming up on the ‘but.’ _But you should talk to someone._ Or maybe, _but we’re here for you, when you’re ready to talk._ If she’s bitter, maybe it’ll be, _but you can’t isolate yourself fore-_

“Do you have a plan for when we get back?”

“What?” Her question was so not what he was expecting, he replied in spite of himself.

“We’re only about ten days out.” Lovelace hesitates, just for a moment, an extra beat before she continues, “Pretty much anyone you reported to at Goddard is...gone. And it might take some time, but I’m going to burn the rest of that damn place to the ground.”

Daniel doesn’t doubt that she’ll succeed. Goddard won’t know what’s hit them.

The rest of what Lovelace is getting at hits him. _Oh._

“Oh,” He says, eloquently. “I...I don’t know.”

Lovelace doesn’t laugh at him, which is decent of her. Instead, she says, “I thought you might not.”

She doesn’t offer anything else, so they just sit there. In silence. Finally, Daniel bites.

“What, don’t tell me you don’t have suggestions. What should I do with the fact that I’m still alive? Go on a road trip? Visit all the tourist hotspots? Done more of that than I’d like to revisit, thanks.” He sounds bitter. He is bitter. All that traveling had been done with _them_.

“Well I was going to offer you safe haven with us while we sort out the fact that most of us are dead, according to everyone on earth, and then rebuild some sort of life. But if you’d rather sulk away into a ditch and drink yourself into oblivion, be my guest.” Daniel gets the feeling that Lovelace isn’t actually fighting with him. Just meeting him where he’s at.

He’d be resentful of her reading him so well, but he’s a little busy, y’know, _realizing she’s right_. He doesn’t have anyone to go home _to_ , and going back to Goddard isn’t an option worth considering, which leaves him sticking around with Lovelace and the rest. Or, back in a bar at noon, downing _icy booze_ and _knowing_ that Kepler’s never going to walk through the door again.

_These guys are my kind of stupid._

....✴.✷.✶.✹.✶.✷.✴....

He’s fiddling with spare parts from the engine when Minkowski finds him next.

“Hope you’re not going to blow us up after we’ve come all this way.” It’s an attempt at jest, but Daniel hears the exhaustion in her voice. The _all this way, and we still don’t know what’s waiting for us._

“S’no fuel.” He shrugs halfheartedly, not meeting her eyes, and lets the parts drift out of his hands. “Just bored.”

Minkowski pushes her way further into the room, snagging a floating wire. “Jacobi-” 

“Daniel.” He bites. He’s tired. He’s so _tired_. He misses Alana.

“Daniel.” She echos. And she’s not Alana. Fuck, she’s the one that fucking killed her. Minkowski holds out her hand, “Renée. So, I owe you a twenty, huh?”

_Listen to me! We killed them... the blood is still on your hands._

_So what, we’re just supposed to do nothing about it?!_

_No. But you know what doesn’t help? More blood.”_

He smiles, just a little. More, his face loses some of his frown, “Yeah, I think so.”

Renée offers him the wire, “Show me something.”

So he shows her the engine, where it’s warm to the touch, not scalding. The corner where Alana liked to hide out with her laptop and brainstorm. Daniel thinks Alana would understand. He knows she’d prefer this to his being dead.

They stay there for hours, talking. Renée’s funnier than he’d ever let himself notice, than she’d ever let herself show. She’s also got a service record, but she never had the willpower to lead until, well. Until Daniel forced her hand a second time.

  
Maybe they’d already forgiven each other, what with both of them bluffing. Or maybe they’d just been too scared to kill again.

✹.✶..

Daniel falls asleep and doesn’t dream. He wakes up to fingers carding his hair, which is too long (and vaguely filthy), and a quiet voice murmuring poetry. Auden, maybe. He aches and thinks, maybe, he isn’t the only one mourning Alana.

  
He thinks this might be what grace feels like.

**Author's Note:**

> If this made you feel a thing, let me know.  
> Seriously, read and review. I desperately need validation.  
> I hope the formatting is okay. I had to fight with the line breaks and section spacing, but I was also playing with the lies vs truths vs evolutions so it's kind of weird anyway.  
> I tried to italicize any lines directly from the show, but there's plenty more that's italicized also. If you recognize it, it isn't mine.


End file.
